Montreal Mutants!

Water is contaminated in three-quarters of the city (easily) - and Lord Knows what else is wrong...

The headlines everywhere in that wretched, misbegotten town up north, read like this: NEVER BEFORE SEEN... UNTHINKABLE... ''DU JAMAIS-VU''...  Don't believe me? See for yourselves, insufferable unbelievers and nonsensical skeptics that you all are:

Isn't that true - in all those years of disavowed mediocrity and unadulterated envy of every other town within a reasonable perimeter around it, Montreal had yet to sink this low: now, it cannot even offer consumable water, the bare minimum, the absolute basics to its poor overtaxed citizens...!  

Which gives ''anon-users'' all over the web the opportunity to s'en donner à coeur joie and post the saddest truths there are about the place - such as ''jcla57'' who posted in crude, true Québécois words, what is a fact about Montreal - Jack; I had to proofread and correct though, despite it being just one sentence-long and all - and, so, it read something like ''à Montréal, tout est corrompu, même l'eau!''   Ha-ha-ha!  Hilarious, jcla... whoever you are!  (But you really should know how to write by now - 57 years-old, what's your excuse, sheesh?!? But we are digressing now...)

Others patted themselves on the back for having taken the decision of leaving Montreal - never to return to it, unlike those two local morons there: Robert Charlebois and Ariane Moffatt! They simply have no other public anywhere else, that's why... But 'tis would be another digression right here now...!

And still more users went back to the political bashing, so prevalent in the corrupted-to-the-core scummy slum-isle: we are talking about a collection of 'burbs collectively purported to be ''une île, une ville'' but, in truth and fact, many corrupted administrations under one extremely-corrupted one above all!  Each of these sub-slums, hence (made akin to the arrondissements existing over in Paris, the true French cousin, but nothing like them in reality) has a mayor all of its own: in this chaotic system, they distribute well-paying jobs that aren't jobs at all...  So it goes and, now that there is such a crisis, users and citizens alike wonder ''where are the well-paid elected officials who do nothing all year when they're actually needed? Nowhere in sight!''  (The one user who elected himself (or herself, with a user name like ''lagrandemotte'' - yikes - it better be a ''she'' indeed) the voice of the people, actually asked ''oû sont les élus d'arrondissement grassement payés (à ne rien faire - she implied, I am sure) - quand ça brasse... heu... (ils) sont pas là!'')   Well, to be fair (and/or the devils' advocate here) what in blue blazes coud any and all of those bozos do at this time - except pass free water bottles to one and all, in hopes of keeping their votes for the next time... hmm?

The true question is another entirely, of course - and, as usual, I'm the one to tell ya what it really is! Ask yourselves what exactly is wrong with the water now - and if the ''official story'' leaked to the media in order to pacify the masses is at all close to the truth...!  

Chances are it isn't even close!

All it takes is a tiny wee bit of imagination to picture what happens next: nothing like the scenario unfolding in ''unclassic'' It's In The Water - no, because, first off, that would be way too damn easy (sorry to disappoint ya all, mado-ned Villagers...!) and, secondly, well, because neighbour Laval and Montreal itself are already damned close enough to being the modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah as things are...!

Don't imagine ridiculous things either, now: everybody knows that Canadiens fans are prone to that...  The contaminated water will not feel like acid rain in the shower, leaving you bleeding profusely from instant cold sores and lacerations the water jet would incur upon your flesh...!  It won't exterminate all the bugs in your festering backyards - along with your flowers (what little gardening you were able to muster beyond your lawn, really) tomato and pepper plants or turn any growing plant into a carnivorous monster the likes of which were only seen in The Little Shop Of Horrors...!

No, folks, what you should imagine is far worse than all that indeed: imagine water turning you into grotesque humanoids - sort of an absurd realization of what you already sound like, dear Quebeckers, whenever you mangle your precious ''Français''...!   Lest it is ''Franglais''...? 

Imagine it folks - the rise (and inevitable fall) of Montreal Mutants! 

Always thought it was a far better monicker than anything else they ever found for their losing franchises: Alouettes, Concordes, Impact... Expos!!!  What a pathetic display of a total and complete lack of imagination the denizens of that polluted floating piece of mud have shown over the years - and nothing that holds it all together!  At least they had, once upon a blue moon, their Maroons... But those didn't last long at all and left their rightful place (rightful simply because their name made sense!) to the ones that make absolutely no sense at all: le Club de Hockey Canadien...!!!  (No kidding now: even the locals are so confused about them, a mere one hundred years into their existence, they call them Habs... Habitants... Or les Canadiens... Le CH... Le Bleu-Blanc-Rouge... Le Tricolore... Some even go as far as sacrilegiously referring to the club as ''Les Glorieux'' or, worse yet, ''La Sainte-Flanelle'' - arrrgh, that's too damn much, I tell you!!  What people do not seem to realize is that their precious ''club'' there, which unfairly hogged up all the talent pool back in the day, clinging on to it by invoking some archaic, ligne de pensée arriérée so very-characteristic of the people of ''Quawbeck'' there, well, the ''club'' has been a NAMELESS CLUB FOR ALL THESE YEARS - YOU FOOLS!!!  ''Le Club de Hockey Canadien'' is merely an official designation for legal purposes - and a true nom-de-guerre for this insufferable clique has never been found - ever!!!  They were just so-named because of their geographical position - and then, were they given a choice, in hindsight, they would have preferred something like ''Les Québécois''  instead, since so many of the fanbase would rather secede from Canada all-together! Pathetic!)

But that is the last digression - the last drop, ironically, of these poisonous waters there...!

To think that all this happens a mere few days after they celebrated their 317th anniversary amidst week-long inclement weather that saw water, water everywhere - but not a drop to drink because it was rainwater, after all... That's right, folksies, only three-hundred and seventeen years of official history, although archeological digs could find that various ''natives'' peed and pooped on these grounds up to 4,000 years ago...   And then, dinosaurs frowned upon it and went to Alberta and Saskatchewan instead!  But let's focus now: focus on the 317 figure!  Man, there are gutters older than that, in Europe...!  And with cleaner water in them, too...

Jacques Cartier and Samuel de Champlain must be ever-so ashamed of their legatees - now that it is plainly obvious to all that they're unworthier than the previous occupants of the damnable  infested island (Iroquois or Iroquoians, I believe?) and it is thus so very obvious that both of them -Cartier and Champlain- would have done better than to emulate the Portuguese and others who simply passed by on this piece of mud in the midst of a tiny river destined to carry nothing but diseases, up stream or down...!   Rest in peace, Jacques... Samuel... You knew not what you were doing!

Now - where is SAINTE Jeanne Mance to treat all of the infected mutants prancing around Montreal this week...?